Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Newest Must Have Fitness App. For Dummies.

As many of you know from my constant bragging I am a workout guy. I go to the gym regularly, I have attended the last two Arnold Fitness Expos. I take at least 10,000 steps a day, and boast endlessly about the accomplishment. If vanity were aerobic I might live forever.

Many of you also know I am a tech guy. I have an iPhone 6, an iPad (though the only time my wife lets me see that is when it needs recharged*) and a Microsoft Surface Pro 3. And the ultimate tech/fitness guy gadget; A FitBit Surge, so tracking steps taken, stairs climbed, calories burned, and resting heart rate are easily accessed and flaunted. "hey, read 'em and weep. Unless you think you are too manly to weep, then read 'em and fume with impotent envy."

It only makes sense that I develop my own fitness app. Yes, it is time for the Tech Weenie Workout or Face Ridicule app. Using the audio components of Smart Phones, Smart Watches, and Smart other things to come we are going to humiliate the country into better shape.

Next time you are jogging TWWFR will pick a song with a suitable tempo and channel it through your headphones with words of encouragement. "Don't worry about that guy behind you, he looks undead, but there is probably no such things as zombies. Whoa, he is picking up the pace, and there is definitely something unwholesome about that guy, the ghostly pallor, the jerky movements, the sickly sweet smell of death. Don't look now, but he is closing in, RUN YOU FAT BASTARD! RUN LIKE YOU ARE CHASING A DONUT!"

When you hit the gym imagine Siri, or Cortana, or Google Voice thing saying "you call that lifting? I don't call that lifting. I call that an old woman waiting on a bus." Think of the motivation, think of the effort, think of showing that snotty voice who is tough, and who is just a disembodied pain in the butt coming through earbuds.

It is in Beta now, if Beta means not started. Thanks for choosing Tech Weenie for your tech, and fitness, needs.


*We are negotiating on a new iPad now, it has reached a critical stage so legal council has instructed me not to discuss the process until an agreement has been reached, or to add Diet Cokes to her lunch that I lovingly, carefully assemble every morning, or put condiments on the sandwich I make, with affection, to put in her lovingly assembled lunch, but that is all I can say for now.