Sunday, August 2, 2015

The Greatest Thing Ever!


Yep, that's a Squatty Potty up there, and now it is time for the greatest fear of many of my long time readers, but I am going to talk about bodily functions. You see a deep dark secret of Jeremy Crow for all of those that haven't been around for a long time, is that he has a deep dark fascination with taking a poop. There are many reasons for this, but let's just say that his blogging career started when his life took a turn for the worst. Many turns for the worst actually but the one that sticks out the most was a traumatic back injury that basically turned him into a shut in, and thus brought him to the online world, and then writing. In the effort to make his back feel better he then turned to new, improved, better, and over exaggerated ways to take a dump. In theory this is a given because the most painful thing to someone with a spine injury is constipation.

Ok now to get myself out of the third person, I was fortunate enough to marry a woman who is every bit as fascinated with cleaning herself out as I am. She took it upon herself to buy one of these gems, called "The Squatty Potty" because she did a little research on it, and found that it might be a good thing. I on the other hand had only seen the Squatty Potty on World's Dumbest Smartest Inventions, and laughed along with my favorite felons on that show as they made fun of it, and why shouldn't they? I mean squatting over a toilet is something that uptight women do in public restrooms, not something civilized human beings do. We take a newspaper into the bathroom and conduct business.

Now of course these things don't make you squat over the toilet like said uptight women in the public restroom, rather you sit on the toilet and it puts your knees up around your shoulders, or as I was thinking in a better position to place my elbows for reading. There was just one problem though. The second I placed my feet up on the thing about seven or eight years worth of backed up crap fell right out of me in about four seconds. I mean to be really gross (and men you will appreciate this) I only had to wipe once. Now that is a big deal when your wife has to buy the toilet paper that has the consistency of Egyptian Cotton and about the same price too. I was so impressed I told my wife to come in and look at it, which she (less than) respectfully declined.

Now of course I keep nagging the wife to order another one for upstairs, because I can't successfully use that toilet anymore. Of course the dog has been a lot happier with this and I think the two of them are conspiring against me, so that she doesn't have to fill the dog's water dish as often. In the end (or more importantly out of the end) this was probably one of the greatest technological advances since the flushable toilet (which was NOT invented by Thomas Crapper, but let's face it his name deserves credit because nobody goes to the bathroom to take a Harrington or Bramah) back in the Elizabethan era. Told you I know too much about bodily functions, but you after all read this far, so blame you for learning it.