Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Betty Davis a Jump and MY Bazillion Dollars

I might be a little naïve with the way technology works, but I was a little surprised when I uploaded a YouTube video the other day. My mind was all awash with how this was going to be the greatest workout video ever done on YouTube, and I had a grand plan for the entire thing. I brought all the videos home on my phone, I sat and did a little commentary, and then I sat and edited all of them. It was quite a time consuming effort, but I was genuinely excited that I was going to have actual content that I didn’t steal from the television, or somewhere on the internet. The real joy was in knowing that the next big thing I was uploading would be available for advertising, since it was MINE and I could finally make a bazillion dollars like God intended me to do.

Well for those of you that have done the whole YouTube thing you have to take all of that hard work and then publish it. YouTube does it’s magic and converts it to their format, and you go off to do other things while you wait for it to be ready. I was, as I stated before, excited to get it finished and then “monetize” the thing and then spam spread the word of the next great thing. I was actually a little disappointed when I saw that the “monetize” button that sits beside all of my other videos wasn’t there next to this one. Doesn’t YouTube understand the carnal need to make a bazillion dollars? Heh, apparently they do, or should I say that they have had it explained to them by someone else at the very least.

Apparently the YouTube thingymadingy that changes your little chunk of gold into their little chunk of content, also has something in it that can check the music playing in the background. They were happy to alert me that the music company that represents the artist performing the music coming over the loud speakers at the gym, will allow me to use the music, but they will be “monetizing” my video instead of me. WHAT?!?! Yeah you read that right (assuming you are the same type of technologically inept idiot you are reading right now, and didn’t already know this) my video was hijacked and monetized before I could even spam spread it around to make my bazillion dollars.

Oh it was even better, because if I had decided that I wanted to just accept that I am now a marketing strategy for my friends at Van Halen (at least it was the good David Lee Roth Van Halen, and not that subpar crap that came out after he left the band) then my bazillion dollar video was for the most part useless because there was an ad basically blocking everything. Hell the most offensive part was that it was an ad for the crap software that I made the video with. UGH! Needless to say I deleted that video because I didn’t have time to deal with it. That’ll teach Van Halen!

So today I killed two birds with one stone. I posted another video from the gym of me doing a different set of exercises, and I didn’t bother with all of the editing and commentary. After all of that work Kim Carnes snuck in to take over the advertising. Really? Really? I am now a profit machine for “Betty Davis Eyes?” Oh God I would rather sell my body to science for the DNC. Ok maybe not, but I did find out that for another investment of about 20 minutes I can have YouTube scrub all of the sound out of the video. My dream of making a bazillion dollars is probably ruined anyway since what is the point of making a work out video if you can’t hear all of the weird noises I make when I lift? I might have to make an investment in bribing the girl at the gym to turn off the music the next time I am in the quest for a bazillion dollars.